Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
