So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
