how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
