this beer tastes like vomit already
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
