i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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