Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
