On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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