If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
