Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
