I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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