i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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