just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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