i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
