Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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