He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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