You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
