i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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