dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
