I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
