I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
