We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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