Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
