I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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