I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
