I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
