Is it normal to miss your booty call?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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