Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
