I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
