Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
