yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
