I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
