the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
