I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
