dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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