i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
