God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Acid is not a monday night drug
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
