I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
