Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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