I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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