remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
