She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
