I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
What drink are we having for lunch?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
