the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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