I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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