I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
