I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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