just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
