Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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