He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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