i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
